I need to stop

I need to stop drinkin before it takes over my life...and I can see that starting to happen. I wake up so fucking guilty and pissed because of my drinking. I cannot blame anyone but myself, because even though it runs in my family...I HAVE CONTROL OVER MY FUCKING LIFE! I CANNOT and WILLNOT use that as an excuse. NO EXCUSES! I watched my dad die from this shit and I am not going to die like he did...alone. I refuse to. I see myself starting  to push people that love me away and I am hurting them and my own self by doing that. So from now on, I am done with this shit! I am very serious right now. I PROMISE!!!
~Alexander James Grimes


...so lately just been feeling down because things just don't seem to be happening fast enough...and its basically all because of my lack of money. But today I can finally get some car insurance and go set up my court date for my name change! I was hoping to have this all done be4 my bday but shit happens.
I still have to get the struts and trailing arm assembled to my car...I will have to pay a shop to do it now...well my brother was gonna do it but he hurt himself by catching his legs on fire. I feel bad for him, he was in the hospital for a week...I saw him like 4 times and what bothers me is that my mom never went to see him! She just takes out her sadness and aggression on me. She so afraid to go outside to where people will see her that she cant even go see her kid with 3rd degree burnt legs...thats so sad. Also that upsets and disturbs me. Because what if I was on my death bed...she wouldn't come see me be4 I died?!? Dont wanna get into all of that...so, change of subject...
So yeah Bday is approching... yippi skippi...*ahem, sarcism*
guess thats all.

I just love this song so much because it says everything I'm feeling.
"Keep the faith, baby"

The Climb

Songwriters: Alexander, J; Mabe, J;

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

Came out...

Yesterday  I have told my youngest brother...the one that lives with me that I am trans. I took him to court because he needed a ride there then I took him to Big Boy for breakfast...I wasn't really planning on tellin him yet, it was just spur of the moment I guess. But after breakfast I asked him if he noticed anything different about me and at first he said naw. Then I asked once again, and he smiled a lil like he was being shy about the question. But I told him that I am on testosterone shots and I am living my life as male now. Shit, he didn't even bat an eye about it. He says, "well whatever makes you happy" I was like, wow! Thats awesome. So glad he didn't get angry. But thats all I have to say.
  • Current Mood
    relieved relieved

T update

Ok, so today marks 3 months and 2 weeks on T...so far, everything has changed! First off...no acne yet and I am getting more facial hair...side burns are more noticable, my stache is gettin alot darker than before, and now I have long black chin hairs =) I can acually tugg at them. My girl pulled one out the other day and I was like BABE..OUCH! but that made me happy because she can acually do that now!! I have more hair on the upper part of my tighs, my back, and Im sure my ass...but I cant see that. My happy trail is gettin longer o0o0o0 hehe. No hair loss on my head as of yet! I really don't think I'll loss much hair up there tho, because my brothers still have theres. My voice is more deep than my last video blog...but I will record a clip today and post it with this blog so keep an watch out for it. My body changes are as follows...I smell different...hips are gone, gettin a lil more belly which I will have to work on, my neck seems a lil thicker and I am noticing more muscle tone in my arms and legs and thats without working out! Imagine when I do start which I plan to soon =) All these changes are making me so damn happy I could shit rainbows!!! haha.
Oh,now the TMI... my lil guy, um yeah...I havent measured yet but he is larger than be4 and sensitive as HELL! Which is weird because when he's touched or rubbed it feels great but it still takes so fucking long to get off...which is annoying, but when it happens its like KAPOW! I'll say it this way...its better and more intense now than be4 when I wasnt on T. So yeah its worth the wait.  I am just wondering how big he will get. But I do plan to get a surgery to release it. But first I want my top surgery...another thing I forgot to mention is that the T has made my chesticals smaller...BIG PLUS! Not like they were huge anyways but I just want them gone forever! Oh, yeah one thing about my voice...my brother called me the other day and I answered the phone and he asked if I was here...he didn't regonize my voice, so I am gonna end up tellin him after I move back into my moms house. Then I'll write my mom and maybe take off for the weekend so she can process it without me around. Sounds like a good plan to me...what do y'all think?
Ok I soon plan to change my name...first and middle names...I am not sure if I want to change my last name...but I may. But I don't have any clue what to change it to if i did. But I plan on doing this in the next couple months...so exciting! But thats all I have to write about that....
Upcoming plans...top surgery...I have decided to for to Fischer in Maryland because she has the best peri results I have seen so far. Also she write srs letters so I can change my birth certificate to Male.
And for bottom I plan to go to Colorado to Marci Bowers for my hysto and metoidioplasty (Clitoral Release)All together for both surgeries should cost about around 20 grand, maybe more (top surgery is about 7 grand, hysto, about 7 grand and bottom is between 3 grand to 10 grand...I know big stretch.
Unless anyone has more info for me on this...I just been doing my own reserch on transster.com and google.
Thats not including hotel stays and stuff...unless i can find a friend that lives in them states to stay with for a few days to recover. (hoping I can find med insurance that will cover some of that!)
I know my girl with be by my side too which will make all the difference. I just cannot wait to feel complete.

~Alexander James

[voice clip]
  • Current Mood
    determined determined


Wow...I am horny all the time...I wanna hump dammit! lol
On that note, I was having a very intense sex dream as the phone woke me up but thats ok. Sex and her waking me up = yum! lol
So yeah, I forgot to mention in my last blog that a lady at work told me that I look like I gained weight which ROCKS! I am getting all these people saying that they notice little things/changes and I'm getting so excited about my next shot! Then after that I get too see more changes. I am just so fucking happy that I could just hop around the room like a cartoon character lol
I am looking into taking kick-boxing classes because I have always wanted to learn. I think Mott or UofM has classes. Well thats all for now.
Peace and chicken grease!
  • Current Mood
    hungry hungry

1 week on T

So, I have been on T for one whole week. First was last Sat. I have noticed a couple changes since then. My voice has change a tiny bit...yes I did have a cold, but still sounds like I have a cold but it's not that. So yeah, my voice changed a lil bit. Another change i noticed was my junk. It grew a lil bit. haha, I was looking down and I was like WHOA! lol Soyeah, so far so good and I'm happy with this 
I will put up a couple video clips soon, one be4 my shot and one after. So stay tuned folks!!!
  • Current Mood
    happy happy

First Shot Is Today

In just a few short HOURS...I will be on T. Yes people you read this correctly. I am all sorts of nervous & excited. My life is going to be changing for the better. I will be feeling better about myself and how I look. Right now I am just sitting here thinking wow, I will be getting my first shot in a few hours!  My best bro Cj is giving it to me in my butt. lol Then we are gonna watch movies while my butt heals from getting poked lol.
Oh man, I am just so scared. But at the same time, I know I am ready... I am just feeling really emotional right now.
  • Current Mood
    nervous nervous

Great Newz!

I got my letter to start hormone therapy! Woooooot! Well, it's not in my hands yet, but it soon will be. I gotta wait for it in the mail =)
So now, I have to make a doc appointment to get my testing done and then SHOOT UP! haha Being goofy.  YeeeeHaw!
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    excited excited